and other reasons why I needed to feel like a Bohemian Pregnant Goddess straight outta Pinterest.
As I wrote the above title she raised her head in the bed beside me, whined and promptly wedged her body up against mine. On this occasion, she did not insist on me turning to face her. I've been working hard at this you see, just getting her to allow me to turn the other way in the bed. Now I am free. Free to snuggle up to the warm glow of my phone and jot down these thoughts. I am free to imagine that something I say could resonate with another mom out there who is also finding sweet respite from the day in the tiny screen cradled in her hand. I'm free to binge on Netflix and pin vegan recipes. Ah, sweet 10 pm Monday night freedom!
My husband is in his office working and will work til' the early hours. This is common on the days when the wee being in my uterus hijacks the daylight hours and commits me to a semi horizontal position with a diet of ant-acids, Gravol, and Pepto-Bismol. At 31 weeks pregnant these bad days are becoming the new norm.
Hey, a day in bed isn't so bad but don't forget the title of this piece. There is this two-year-old about and she is highly opposed to any stillness of body. Should she catch me in said stillness, I shall be pummelled by ridiculously strong chubby legs. And so this is why the husband has to separate me from her and surrender his day to the 3-foot angel and master of us both.
How there is this distinct personality suddenly pottering about and blessing us each morning with enough enthusiasm to light up the world, at times leaves me stumped. The past two years are a blur. A fantastic, best time of my life kind of a blur but a blur none the less, because time has moved faster than I can keep pace with. I just turned 32 this week and up until about 30, time was pretty manageable. With relative ease, I could recall the past few months and even years. The path to my then present could be traced and it all made a reasonable amount of sense.
Now I am not sure what happened yesterday never mind the past decade. Each day rolls into the next and sometimes my only reminder of its passing is that passive aggressive tone in my own mother's voice that says "you don't call me enough".
I know with total certainty that every mother out there is relating to this chaos of mind! At one point I found myself at the Doctors office listing off all these mental dysfunctions I was experiencing. The Doctor had me sit a basic brain test and I passed with flying colours. I was reassured that this mental incapacitation was simply motherhood and how my brain worked now.
I'm not even sure of why I started writing this piece. Much like motherhood, my intentions are good but the outcome is unknown. Perhaps I just need to fully express how much life needs to slow the hell down already. We need to acknowledge this crazy time in our lives and make a tangible record of its lunacy.
There's also this grown, bearded man about the house. My poor husband, how is he? Another thing I'm unsure of. Does he even know? Don't get me wrong as our days are full of laughter and jokes and plans and dreams but feeling fully connected with the space for affection is far too foreign an experience.
“No more”, I say! I can not stop time or better, I can not improve my capacity for coping with its passing. I can, however, acknowledge that this time in our lives is moving too fast and to avoid turning around in 10 years and not knowing my husband, my life or myself for that matter I can decide to be present as much as humanly possible and if nothing else, we can take some pretty pictures to remember it by!
By now you have noticed the maternity photos planted throughout this piece. Taking the time to photograph this stage in our family's life is another way that we chose to yell "PAUSE", celebrate and make a record of this time in our lives! Even though our life does not look at all like these images, it was still a lot of fun, something we did as a family and will remember when we are old and grey. Cory and I joked how these maternity photos are complete fantasy really. I am not a Bohemian pregnant goddess. Most of the past 8 months have been quite ugly to be fair. This pregnancy included trips to emergency for IV fluids, many moments crying on the bathroom floor and floods of guilt for my little Willow on the days she had to watch far too much Netflix. What is true however is that I damn well earned the right to feel like a pregnant goddess straight out of Pinterest, even if it is just for photos and so too does every pregnant woman or mom out there! (For the not so pretty shots, scroll to the end).
So I am sharing all of this with you, our family, friends and possible future clients. Pregnancy and the toddler years can be brutal and time can move far too fast. This stage in our lives is also precious and deserving of celebration. My invitation to other parents is to remember to take the time to celebrate even in the total chaos. Though tomorrow morning I may be very nauseous, I will crawl out of this bed and snuggle with my husband on the couch. I will do my best to ignore the dishes piled on the counter because our dishwasher has broken down for the 5th time in two years. I will try very hard to take a stand against the ticking of the clock and be present in the chaos for at least say.... 30 minutes. I can choose to own those 30 minutes, share these thoughts and photos and thought I may not recall the rest of the day once it has happened, I will know that for 30 minutes of it, I was there, my husband was too and our little two-year-old ran around us..
For the sake of honesty and humour... a few of the bloopers!!